Violence doesn’t start with a bomb
As I write this, missiles are flying between nations. Over a thousand people have been killed in the last few weeks. The world watches in horror. We scroll through the news, shake our heads and say, “This is terrible. When will violence end?”
But here’s a question most of us will never ask ourselves: What if violence doesn’t start with missiles? What if it starts with our words?
A Compliment Can Be an Act of Violence
Consider this: “Milind is a good coach” is a violent statement. Sounds absurd, doesn’t it? How can a compliment be violent?
Think about it. When you say someone is a “good” coach, you are implying there are “bad” coaches also out there. Both are evaluations. Both are judgements coming from whether your personal needs are being met or not. The moment I label something as good or bad, right or wrong, I am separating. I am creating an “us” and a “them.” And separation is the seed of violence.
The Invisible Slaps — What a Bollywood Film Taught Me About Everyday Violence
In 2020, I watched the Bollywood film Thappad. The film shook me. I remember I wrote a review that got widely shared. On the surface it’s about a husband who slaps his wife at a party. But the film reveals that the real violence was never the slap. It was the hundreds of invisible slaps that came before it. “You want to learn driving? First learn to make parathas properly.” “Do I have to beg you for sex?” “You’re a housewife. Know your place.”
These words — spoken casually, without a second thought — were the real thappads. And she had been receiving them not just from her husband, but from her in-laws and even her own parents. We have normalised this violence so deeply that we don’t even recognise it anymore.
The True Enemy Is Not the Person Across the Table
There’s a scene in the movie Crimson Tide that I’ve watched many, many times. Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman are debating the nature of war aboard a US nuclear submarine. Hackman’s character says the best soldier is the one willing to ignore everything and just destroy the enemy. Washington’s character disagrees. He says: “In my humble opinion, in the nuclear world, the true enemy is war itself.”
I’ve never forgotten that line. Because it’s not just about nuclear war. It applies to our lives. The true enemy isn’t the person sitting across from you at the dinner table. It isn’t your spouse, your colleague, your child. The true enemy is the violence itself — the judgement, the label, the separation — that quietly poisons the space between you and another human being.
What Krishnamurti Said in Varanasi That I Have Never Forgotten
The great philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti took this idea even deeper. Our son Arjun used to go to the iconic Krishnamurti school in Chennai. During one of the parent meetings, they played a video of Krishnamurti’s 5th Public Talk in Varanasi, from November 1964. What he said in that talk shook me to the core.
He said: “Violence is not merely killing another. It is violence when we use a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person.” And then he said something unforgettable: “When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European, or anything else, you are being violent.”
Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence. Read that again.
Every label we wear with pride — Hindu, Maharashtrian, Indian, upper class, lower class, right-wing, left-wing — is an act of separation. And every act of separation is a seed of violence.
The Real War Zone Is Closer Than You Think
“She’s a bad mother.” “He’s a lazy employee.” “This generation has no values.” Each one of these is a tiny missile. Invisible, but deadly.
The real war zone isn’t a country. It’s a dinner table. A boardroom. A family WhatsApp group. What about the missiles we are firing at our spouses? At our team members? At our children? Are we not, unknowingly, creating a violent society one judgement at a time?
Gandhiji Was Right — But Do We Actually Live It?
Mahatma Gandhi said it simply: “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” We know this. We quote it. We put it on our WhatsApp status. But do we live it? Every time we judge, we take an eye. Every time we label, we take an eye. And slowly, without realising it, we are all going blind.
The One Thing You Can Do Today
Violence doesn’t begin when a missile is launched. It begins when a judgement is formed.
The next time you are about to label someone or something as good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse — pause. Notice the separation you are creating. That pause might just be the most nonviolent thing you do today.
In over 13 years of coaching and 8,000+ hours of conversations with people across India and the world, I have seen this pattern play out in boardrooms, in marriages, in parent-child relationships, and in teams. The most destructive force is rarely a dramatic event. It’s the quiet accumulation of labels, judgements, and unsaid assumptions — the invisible thappads we give and receive every single day.
The work of becoming less violent — in our words, in our homes, in our workplaces — is some of the most important inner work any of us can do. And it starts not with changing the world, but with noticing yourself.
Want to Explore This Further?
If this piece resonated with you, I’d love to have a conversation. Much of my coaching work — whether it’s about career transitions, workplace relationships, or simply feeling stuck — comes back to the inner patterns we carry: the labels, the judgements, the stories we tell about ourselves and others. If you’d like to explore what’s quietly running the show in your life,
Reach out to me at milindjadhav.com. A single conversation can sometimes shift something that has been stuck for years.
About the Author
Milind Jadhav is one of India’s pioneering life coaches, with over 13 years of experience and 8,000+ coaching hours across 450+ clients in India, the Middle East, Europe, and North America. An IIM Bangalore alumnus, he left corporate life in 2009 to build a coaching practice at a time when professional life coaching in India was virtually unknown. He works primarily with corporate professionals navigating career transitions, workplace stress, and the inner obstacles that keep capable people stuck. He writes, coaches, and lives in Pune with his wife Seema and their family.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is everyday language really a form of violence?
According to philosophers like Jiddu Krishnamurti and frameworks like Nonviolent Communication (NVC), yes. When we use language that labels, judges, or separates — even with good intentions — we create an “us vs. them” dynamic that is the root of all conflict. The impact of our words is often far greater than we realise.
What did Krishnamurti mean when he said calling yourself an Indian is violent?
Krishnamurti’s point was that any label — national, religious, ideological — separates you from the rest of humanity. The moment you identify strongly with one group, you implicitly create an “other.” And that separation, however subtle, is the seed from which all conflict — personal and political — grows.
How does the film Thappad relate to everyday violence at home or work?
Thappad shows that the dramatic act of violence — the slap — is almost never the beginning. It is the culmination of hundreds of small, invisible acts: dismissive words, belittling remarks, withheld acknowledgement. The film holds a mirror to patterns that most of us normalise in our homes and workplaces without a second thought.
What is the connection between judgement and violence?
Every judgement creates a separation — between good and bad, right and wrong, us and them. That separation is the fundamental mechanism behind all conflict, from a family argument to an international war. Non-judgement is not passive; it is one of the most active and courageous practices a person can take on.
How can a life coach help with these patterns?
A life coach helps you see the patterns you cannot see yourself — the habitual labels you use, the stories you carry, the invisible ways you create conflict or distance in your relationships. This is inner work, and it has a direct impact on how you lead, how you relate, and how you feel about the life you are living.